Its been a minute guys since my last post, but in between dealing with multiple things myself and the mr have launched our website. All blogs will now be posted over there and one will be launched in the next few days.
WordPress has been a great starting point for raising awareness to adoption and LGBT+ parenting, and initially promoting my book. But it’s now time to move on and have all projects under one roof with links to all pages as well as getting ready to launch a project in the next month or too.
For those of you who register notifications for posts you will be able to do the same on the new site. This page will stay online for a few weeks before being deleted. In the meantime why dont you head over to our site and let me know what you think using the feedback and contact links…………the link is below.
An amazing campaign in the UK launched yesterday. The aim of this campaign is to dispel the myths of what stops people from adopting and to encourage those thinking of adopting to take the first steps in their journey.
During mine and my husbands adoption journey we came across people who had been hesitant in the past to register with local authorities or agencies because of reasons like they would be single adopters, they don’t earn enough or because they rent their home instead of owning it. These are all myths. I’m so happy that this campaign has begun as their are so many children waiting for homes as well as children deemed ‘hard to place children’ because of their background, previous broken down placements or because they are over the age of 4 which is crazy, this means that our little boy was within this category as he had just turned 5 when he was placed with us. At the time of me typing up this blog there are currently over 2500 children waiting on the adoption list of which 28% have been waiting for their forever home for over a year.
There are common myths of why people can’t adopt such as being single, having a disability, not owning their home, not earning enough money, not having a spare room. But these are all myths. The only requirements in the UK are that you are over 21 years of age and are resident in the UK. Criminal record checks (enhanced) are done so make sure you declare any convictions to your social worker. Also as long as your in good health including mental health all should be good.
For us all these things were fine. I have a history of anxiety and depression but this was not a problem once I opened up and spoke about it with our social worker. This was difficult initially just because it’s not something at the time I talked about, but it’s totally worth it if it gets you further along the adoption process. My tip to you just be honest and open with your social workers, this is what they are looking for from you during the pre approval phase. It also helps you as well, because of my history our social worker checked in more with me during the early days of little mans placement to make sure that I was coping ok.
Check out these sites they also have social media accounts, I really recommend Adoption UK’s Instagram account. I have found this super helpful, there is also a great adoption community on Instagram to. Plus there is also my book (available on amazon). Also feel free to reach out to me if I can ever be of any help.
Well, hi guys! Its been a while since my last blog post, I think probably around 6 months and as I’m sure as you all know the world is a crazy ass place at the moment what with the massive spotlight being placed on inequalities in our communities around the world (and rightly so). Despite me being a white male being gay, having an Indian husband, working in a mostly female dominated environment and being a gay dad I have been subjected to many different varieties of prejudice and discrimination, as I’m sure you can imagine or may have even experienced. The LGBT community faces a lot of different issues compared to other communities for example 52% of the LGBT experience depression, 72% of bisexual women and 56% of bi men have experienced anxiety (Stonewall 2018). Further to this 25% of the global population believe that being LGBT should be a crime (Stonewall 2016), here is a link to these stats https://www.stonewall.org.uk/media/lgbt-facts-and-figures
Very early on in my career being a male in a paediatric nursing environment it is pretty much assumed that you are gay regardless of who that person is, the assumption comes from patients, parents, families and colleagues. Fast forward to the present things are still the same, there is this perception/stereotype that male nurses are gay, it’s just a crazy perception thing, probably tracing back to those standard childhood chats (normally from grandparents – mine definitely were like this) that girls are nurses and boys are doctors.
During the adoption process there was naturally a tonne of support from friends and family, our agency mentioned multiple times during meetings that they were the first London adoption agency that took one prospective adopters from the LGBTQ+ community. It felt that they were using this to sell their adoption agency to us and basically saying that they were the best adoption team out of the other London boroughs. Following on from this and once we were matched and having to look at schools there was that worry and to be completely honest a paranoia about double and even triple checking that the schools we were considering for our little boy ensured that diversity, inclusion and equality were factors that they exceeded in, so that we knew this would be a safe school for our little guy and for us as two gay dads who would be attending his school for all events. But also to see what they knew about attachment was as this is something that would ensure they could understand what was going on with our little guy.
Its been great to see that over the course of our adoption journey and since we have been a family of 3 how much societies attitudes have changed towards same-sex parenting. naturally there are people who we have come across who have made comments or given us disapproving looks when we have been out, some people have even commented saying that they don’t understand how two dads can parent a child. Luckily early on we found a national group called New Family Social where LGBTQ+ families can meet up with your children, this not only allows your children to play with other kids in the same situation (adopted and who has gay parents), but you get build up your social and supportive network from those who understand what it is like to be in a same-sex relationship and be a parent. Being around those who are in the same/similar situation helps to build your confidence but also brings some normality into your life and this is beneficial to your whole family. Having those around you who understand what it is your going through makes life so much easier especially, like me, as you can feel very alone and isolated.
There are a few resources available to help teach children about acceptance and diversity when it comes to LGBTQ issues, below is a list of resources that I have used with the little man to help teach him about equality and diversity, and not just in terms of LGBTQ+ rights & equality:
Books by Olly Pike. Olly has written 5 books that focus on LGBTQ+ issues as well as interracial relationships. Check out this link to see his books and other resources, my little man loves his books. https://www.popnolly.com
Pride. This is a great book teaching children about the meaning of pride and why it exists.
Auntie Uncle. Such a great book about a little boy who’s uncle goes out to work in the day but at night he becomes a fabulous drag queen!! Cant wait to get round to reading this to him.
And Tango Makes Three. This is a cute book about two gay penguins that bring up their son. Super cute which my little dude loves.
We are family. This is a sweet little book that talks about 8 different families of different backgrounds, sexualities and abilities.
Stories for boys who dare to be different. This is an amazing book about famous males such as Barack Obama, David Attenborough who struggled to begin with either in their upbringing or in their careers but made it big in the end! A great book to show children that if you struggle at first keep going because you’ll make it.
I think as long as we start to teach our children that people are different and start to get them to accept difference and diversity we can help change peoples perceptions from the beginning. My little dude is a total example of this, we have help create one of the biggest LGBTQ+ allies going, he loves everything to do with pride and rainbows!
Also for those going through the adoption process or know people who are going through the process/thinking of adopting, my first and second book editions are still available on amazon. Check out my previous blog or my website for the link to them.
Throughout my adoption journey from start to finish there has been lots of very different emotions. The good, the bad and the downright ugly! No lies or fairytales here guys. The one thing that always struck me is that no matter how often and hard I looked I could not find what it was that I really needed…. I needed to see, hear or read another persons perspective on adoption. I wanted to hear their own special journey and it didn’t matter if it was horrible. The one thing I wasn’t sure on was this “is it normal to feel like this?” during the process like I said I felt many different emotions, some of which I have spoken about in the previous blog posts. But since no-one else has really documented these things in a book I decided that I would do this based on my experience as well as my partners.
The book talks about our journey to fatherhood starting with surrogacy through to when our little boy moved in back in January this year. It is a honest, real life story based on personal experiences.
It is available on amazon as a paperback and as a ebook on kindle link is below, as well as being available in a smaller size on Lulu.com.