National Adoption Week

So it’s national adoption week 2020, and our second time celebrating it as adoptive parents.

Our adoption journey has had many ups and downs, but would I change our experience? Not at all!! I’m writing this blog post led next to the little man watching him sleep after reading his bedtime story. Times are tough at the moment, he returned to school in the beginning of September but due to 3 episodes of having to self isolate he’s only done roughly 2 weeks of school. His routine is all up in the air, and it’s affecting him and me quite a bit. During the adoption process it’s mentioned constantly that routine is vital in creating a secure attachment, it makes the child feel safe, secure and loved but it’s bloody difficult in these times when even I don’t feel fully safe.

I have been honest I when it comes to talking about mine and the mr’s adoption journey. Adopting is such a special thing but it’s not those becoming adoptive parents who are special, or amazing, or honourable (I’ve been called all those things, which are not at all true) it’s the children that are all of those qualities. For me I am honoured to be the dad to such an amazing, kind, caring and special little boy.

It’s a difficult time for many families and for pre and post adoptive families even more so as many of our professional support services are working remotely and being done if possible virtually. But the adoption community is such a strong and supportive community, I am so lucky to have found a number of adoptive parents through Instagram as well as support through social media from charities such as Adoption UK.

Would I recommend adopting? If your thinking of it, then definitely. Would I adopt again? Definitely. Do I have any regrets? Not at all. There are many myths about adoption but these are completely untrue (see my last blog for these myths). In my last blog I listed a load of resources that I have found super helpful during my adoption journey but also that I have used following the placement of my little dude. If you are thinking of adopting check it out, and check out my book and Insta page (you can find the links to these on my word press home page).

Adoption and Emotional Trauma

We all know that adoptive children will naturally suffer from emotional trauma and emotional damage. That is a given fact, just based on what they have gone through prior to the match with adoptive parents. During the adoption process we were given loads of info on this and attended workshops and training sessions on trauma. But none of this could ever prepare me for the heart shattering crying and screaming that I would hear this evening when I left for work.

I have a night shift tonight and Ricky is at work which normally means a little ‘battle’ with the little man to allow us to leave the house.

I did the sit down with him and we talked about suggestions of what he could do in the short time between me leaving and Ricky coming home. Win!!

We came up with ideas but when it came to me opening up the front door that’s when the screaming began. Our family friend pick him up and held on to him, when I closed the door I heard him screaming for him to be let go and I saw his little hands against the blurred glass of the front door. My heart shattered, I couldn’t leave him this way and I had to go back in. Even if his crying last 5 minutes. Yes, this was more for me than for him, but my heart just wouldn’t let me walk away. As a dad I can’t just walk away when my child is in a traumatised state.

In my previous blog posts I have mentioned my little guy has been through so much up turn in the last 5 months. What he knew as his new norm following the adoption and that things for him were just settling everything has now been blown up and we are back to many temporary situations: temporary home, temporary work situations as well as just not knowing what the future will hold and how long everyone’s new norm will last for. And I feel that I am mostly to blame for this, which is why I want to be there to support him when he is in these moments and feeling vulnerable. I feel that this is not just because of how I feel that I am to blame for all the changes he has experienced but because I was his main caregiver – the stay at home parent for the 9 months before I went back to work.

This is not just standard parenting feelings but this is the reality of parenting an adopted child with backgrounds of emotional trauma and neglect amongst other things. It’s shit and it’s tough more so on us as adoptive parents. But, the love, the want to protect them, and attachment is real and it’s strong. Maybe how I have acted this evening is showing this. I don’t know but it’s my reality at the moment and my mind is swirling in what it’s….mainly what if I am not doing the right thing? Or is that my anxiety? I haven’t a clue and probably never will know what is truly going on in that little lads mind.

I’m not sure what I am getting out of this waffle of a blog post. I guess I just wanted to show my reality and cast a light on the traumatic side of adoption. I want to help normalise adoptive families and LGBT families as I feel our types of family aren’t fully ‘normalised’ or ‘understood’ properly in today’s society.

Thanks for reading this waffle. Any advice is welcomed. Hit me up on either here or my Insta account.