The most tiring and full on day yet!!

So the day had arrived where we travelled up to have a day of information, we would soon learn that this would be a brain aching amount of information.
We drove 2 hours from our home to meet the agencies medical advisor. Our social worker met us there and told us what to expect. A week or two before this child appreciation day we had gone over the medical report again to prep us for this meeting and to figure out questions. We met the medical advisor and she went through the whole report, explaining his health as well as his mothers health from conception through to the present day. She also explained that they have no health details relating to his father. The medic was really thorough with the information that she gave us, there were some concerns and things to bear in mind relating to his educational development, but these are things to keep and eye on for when he was a bit older. Following the meeting we had a brief chat with our social worker and she wanted to know how we felt. For both of us there were no red flags or concerns at all. We knew that things can crop up over time but the main thing is that he is developing well and with the right support he should be fine in terms of his education. Yes there were naturally concerns given the information we got given about his mums health during pregnancy, the lack of care he got at home with his mum and of course the lack of information on his dads health, but there would be concerns regardless. Health problems can arise at anytime. At this point nothing was off putting for either of us.

We left the medical advisors office and headed to his school. It was another long drive (over an hours drive) to his primary school. I remember thinking that if we got approved to adopt him he’s going to have a huge change in terms of his environment. The schools surroundings were gorgeous, lots of green and huge spaces for the children to run around in. Completely different to West London!
All three social workers were there (ours, L’s social worker, and the family finding social worker), the local authorities virtual school teacher, the schools SENCO and his class teacher for the meeting. We got to hear how well he is performing academically and got to see some of his school work. We were asked about schools that we were looking at for him and explained that we were in the process of finding some local schools and will be visiting them shortly.
The SENCO took us on a tour of the school and the school grounds. Then, there he was!! We saw him! He looked so cute stood there in his school uniform looking back at us really confused, clearly wondering who these two guys were looking back and smiling at him!! I couldn’t believe it, he was gorgeous and watching him being cheeky and running around the playground I knew he was the little boy for us. Such a special moment, one that we still haven’t forgotten.
We asked his teacher for a list of his favourite books which we would get for him so that if/when he moves it they are ready to read to him.

It was time to head to our final part of the child appreciation day, we drove a really short journey to meet L’s foster carers. L wouldn’t be there for the meeting as we were not yet allowed to officially meet him. We met both his foster mum and dad, they were completely lovely. We were welcomed in to their house and shown through to the kitchen, their house was lovely. I remember joking with our social worker that L would have a huge shock!
We spoke with the foster carers and again all three social workers were present for this, although L’s social worker and family finding social worker had to leave early. Our social worker stayed with us for the duration of the meeting. His foster carers told us that he was doing well and was a loving, caring funny little boy. His behavior initially needed some work to improve but it dramatically improved once him and his brother had been separated. We spoke about how he was at school and how his home learning was. They told us about his health and that they had no concerns physically, but psychologically he was still having nightmares related to previous trauma however, this was improving day by day. 

The meeting went well, and we both felt very positive about all the information we were given, nothing was overwhelming, like I had imagined it to be. Yet this may have been because everything was very positive. It was suggested by the family finding social worker that we swap numbers so that we can see photos of L and keep up to date with how he is doing. We could also speak with the foster carers if we had anymore further questions. This sounded really positive, it came across as a slight hint that things were proceeding the right way. We left and had a quick chat with our social worker before we got into our cars and headed for home. She told us to keep open minded and to remember that yes, he might be great now but things can change later on in life, given what went on antenatally. In the car journey home we spoke about the information we had been given but we both had huge headaches from the amount of information we had been given but nothing had really changed our minds, we still wanted to go ahead and continue to the panel meeting which had yet to be decided. Such a great feeling. There was no change in how we felt, we still wanted to proceed with this process with L.

The next step would be the panel, which we were told would take place in the next few weeks. During this time we were advised to get on with finding a potential school, making the introduction book and DVD. Both of these were to introduce us to L, which would be shown to L by his foster carers’. The idea is that they have the DVD on in the background as well so that the child gets used to seeing your faces and hearing your voices. With the book the foster carers’ should be reading and showing the child the book daily. We knew he liked Lego and marvel superhero’s so we made it with bits of Lego and mini-figures of Lego superhero’s. In the book we had pictures of me and Ricky as well as close family members in there so that he knew who was who. Neither of us was sure on what we wanted L to call us, Ricky was keen on being called daddy but wasn’t fully sure, so we decided the best thing to do would be to call ourselves Daddy Chris and Daddy Ricky. This was probably not ideal but it seemed the best option at the time.
The book was great fun to make whereas the DVD was quite cringey. The thing was you’re talking to a child, who is not there and you don’t truly know, you have no idea what their personality is despite knowing everything about their upbringing and health but you’ve never met them.

We were now ready for panel!

It finally happened

Sorry for the delay in uploading this. It’s been a stressful two weeks. The little guy is going through some tough phases because he has now fully settled and feels safe with us, so all of his past traumas have started to resurface and it’s just a case of working through it. But, it’s really difficult to work through because naturally at 5 years of age he has not idea what the emotions that he is feeling are, which makes him very frustrated and he takes it out on himself, through hair pulling and hitting himself. It’s really upsetting to see him going through this. To be honest by the end of the day and once the little dude is in bed I am emotionally and physically exhausted. The joys of adoption! But the positives always outweigh the negatives.

So following on from the first match that ended in such a huge disappointment and a massive feeling of loss, like we had lost our chance of being dads. Our social worker finally approved our link maker account which is amazing, the reason we requested to go on this was because there was no timescale for greenwich to find us a match. Anyone going through the adoption process I would recommend going on to this site. If you have seen a profile that you think is a possible match you are able to directly message any child’s social worker to let them know. The only downfall is that if things progress social workers can message privately between each other, you can see that they are messaging each other but you have no idea what is being sent between them. During our time on link maker, knowing that the social workers were messaging each other and sharing documents had a huge impact on me…..my anxiety was crazy.

Eventually after ‘showing interest’ (as it is called on link maker!) in a few profiles we were messaged by a family finding social worker about a little soon to be 5 year old boy who they thought was a great match for us. They asked us whether we would like to proceed with the potential matching process. I showed the profile to Ricky and literally we both fell in love. It sounds crazy to have these feelings about a profile but everything that was written on the profile and his pictures were perfect. We felt that he is the missing piece to our family. We immediately responded saying we wanted to proceed. This is where the anxiety was off the scale, our social worker and the other two social workers started to send private messages and documents to each other with no messages for us.
Our social worker finally reached out to us and made a suggestion that we started to get his bedroom sorted as if the Childs social workers wanted to visit and meet with us then they would more than likely want to see his potential bedroom. We started to get it redecorated but we realised soon into the renovation that there was issues with the wall structures so we had to have the room re-plastered and the floor boards redone as they were damaged when we had some plumbing sorted. We got the bed ordered, which would have been my ideal bed as a child, a bunk bed in the style of a London bus bed!. We went with a grass style floor, and had the fire place painted yellow to match the radiator we had ordered for his bedroom.

A week or two later we got a message from our social worker saying that the child’s social workers would like to meet us. We arranged that we would meet the following month, we also got sent the child’s report which included his history, why he was removed from his mothers care, how he has progressed since being in care, previous and current medical issues as well as his development.

A month later arrived after what seemed like ages, but a stressful time because of the renovation which meant we were not able to get his room ready in time. Luckily they could see that we had everything ordered ready, just frustratingly not in time for the social workers visit, which made me worry incase this would be seen as a problem, luckily though it was. Our social worker was present for the meeting, thankfully as when the information about the child was being given to us she was picking up on bits that needed to be explained further. The meeting went well, we got a lot of information from the social workers and they had a few questions for us such as our working pattern and how that would work in terms of child care as well as whether we already had plans for adopting future children….which was a very simple answer!!! Contact between the child and family was discussed and luckily the only form of contact allowed following adoption would be a yearly letter and no face-to-face contact. The same would go for contact between him and his brother. This was tough to swallow, Ricky and myself both have another sibling and the idea of only talking to them through a letter once a year was not a nice feeling. But, there is the potential for face-to-face contact between them in the future which would be great.
We were asked to think about whether we wanted to proceed with this match and to let them know via our social worker in a couple of days time. Not that we needed anytime to think about it as we already knew the answer…..but we thought we should think about it before letting them know our decision. We had a brief chat and slept on our decision. I called our social worker the following afternoon and told her that we wanted to proceed with the match. Later that day we had a phone call back from our social worker saying that she had heard back from the child’s social workers, it was the most amazing news, they also wanted to proceed with the match.

Finally we had been matched with the most precious little boy known as L. We were on the final part of the process.
We were told that the next stage is known as a child appreciation day which would be done the following month where we would meet the agencies doctor, L’s teachers and his foster carers.

We had been matched finally!!

Our first Father’s Day

So this post is going to go off trend compared to the previous blog posts but I will post an updated one in the next couple of days.

So today was our first Father’s Day! It was amazing with the added drama from our little guy just to make sure there was some added flare to the day!

The day started with present opening on the bed with our little guy helping slightly with the unwrapping whenever he could. He was so happy when he saw us opening the presents which he helped us choose. He was super great with the card writing last night. We then went down to have our breakfast and chill for the morning before going out to get dinner. It was great to spend time together just as a family. We stayed at home for a few hours then headed out for some dim-sum which the little fella loved (it went much better than his first time!) followed by some good old cake!

We all had a great day, and it was so special just to spend it as a family especially since it was our first. I think he must have been confused as it was also his ever first Father’s Day as well which is why we wanted to have it chilled and relaxed.

I have learnt however not to tell him what we brought as he likes to tell his daddy what dad brought and vice versa!! But it’s through excitement as he wanted to give the presents out as soon as they had been brought. Love him!!

The first match

We hadn’t really moved in to our new home for that long before our social worker arranged a visit to assess the house, to make sure it was ‘ok’ to have a child living here as well. She briefly looked around and checked all the rooms but was more than happy with everything. The check was very different than the first assessment we had!

After our social worker had checked over the house and said that she was happy, we all sat down to go over things. She wanted to know how things were and if we had done any additional learning. She said that her team had their matching meeting recently and had a possible match for us. I was desperately trying to hide my excitement but it wasn’t working, I knew I had the most biggest smile on my face as she said this. She went over some information and told us that the child was an 18month old little boy, mixed race. He was doing really well, and explained his background. She handed over his ‘profile’, my excitement went straight to disappointment. From looking at the picture I knew something wasn’t quite right, and all was confirmed when I looked at the health section of his profile. He had a chromosomal disorder.

I straight away questioned this with our social worker. She said the team felt given my work background (working in paediatric nursing) it was a good match as I have experience of this. What was this as a reason? I was fuming. I felt that we had been completely ignored in regards to what our matching requests were. We were looking for a healthy boy not one that was going to have both physical and emotional needs later down the line as well as significant learning difficulties. Granted I would be able to care for this child but I know emotionally I would be drained. It’s one thing to care for a child at work but also to be doing this at home as well is something else.

This match was not fair at all, and their reasoning for this was a load of BS to be honest.

For us it was an immediate no although she wanted us to think on it. Me and Ricky spoke about it between the two of us and I spoke with colleagues at work but our decision wasn’t going to change. I did feel really guilty for saying no. This little boy was in foster care and by saying no I had no idea what was going to happen once we said no. How long would he remain in care for? But it was the right decision.

For now it was back to looking for the right match, for us.

Panel – The end of Stage 2

Firstly, sorry for the delay in getting this blog up, lots having been going on mainly with the little guy being quite unwell (tonsillitis) as well as other adoption issues and now its the half-term. One of the things that I’m learning quickly is that school kids have so many school holidays!! (he’s only been at school since feb and its his third school break…..if only I could have that many breaks from work!!). Anyway here it is……..

The day had finally arrived. The end of our adoption assessment was almost over and the start of finding our future son could begin.

We had a mid morning panel time slot, which was great so at least we could take our time getting ready and not have to wait all day for the panel assessment. We were asked to meet our social worker at her office reception before we went to panel. We met her and she gave us another overview of how the panel meeting will go. When we got to where the panel meeting would take place we were taken to another room with our social worker to wait. This was the most nerve-racking time of our lives, for me much more daunting than when I met with the registrar before I got hitched! Finally the chair person and another social worker came into the room and introduced themselves, we had already met the social worker who led the two day assessment days (no words needed here about how I felt meeting her again!!!). The chair person gave an outline how things would go and reassured us that he would be asking most of the questions, and just to direct our responses to him. He told us that some of the other panel members might have some questions for us but there shouldn’t be many.
Our social worker was called in first and would have been asked about us, our relationship and how we have progressed throughout the process, all of which would have been in the report that was also presented to the panel.

After 15 or so minutes we were then asked to join the panel. Our social worker remained present for our interview. The panel consisted of the chairperson (who was independent to the social services), a few social workers and their medical advisor. We were asked lots of questions relating to our relationship, I feel this was partly due to the comment made by the assessing social workers during our assessment days. Again we repeated back to them what we had said numerous times since the assessment day and this was well received by the chairperson. Other questions asked off us, were our relationship and how do we support each other, when do we know if the other one is struggling (clearly due to both our history of depression and anxiety), we were also asked about our house sale and my studies whether either of these would impact our adoption and bringing up a child. Naturally, we answered these truthfully which was really well received. Following these questions by the chairperson I was asked a question by the medical advisor about my surgery and how things are going and if anything else needs sorting. We were then asked to go back to the waiting room along with our social worker whilst they made a decision on our adoption application.

This was the worst wait, much more unsettling than the wait to go in! Our future was being decided in another room, everything we had worked for over the past 10 months or so was being decided and all we could do was wait. Finally after what felt like years the chairperson and social worker came in the room. It was good news, we were now approved prospective adopters. All the stress, tears and anxiety was completely worth it. All that was to be done now was the search for the missing piece to our family. We left the building with our social worker followed by a massive group hug. We couldn’t have been more happy. Our social worker said that she would be in touch later in the week.

We left for some celebratory drinks, one of the best days of our life. Our future was closer than we thought. The only thing left to do now was to sell the apartment and find our family home.

The stresses of stage two

I couldn’t have been more happy that the horrible assessment days were over and done with. In all honesty I felt and still do feel that the assessment days are pointless the way they are run.
Parts of the assessment days are just degrading, the idea is that we are honest and they can assess us but the way that I felt during the assessment made me want to leave, or be fully honest and tell them what I thought of the process.

The next meeting we had with our social worker was done individually to get a feel of us without each other present and to go through our history as a couple and before me and Ricky got together. We arranged our meetings when each other was at work so that one of us didnt have to leave in the typical English December crappy weather.

I had my meeting first and it wasn’t not as bad as I thought it was going to be, however some questions were quite difficult to answer such as some aspects of my health such as my history with depression and also the relationship with my father, which was not in the best of places at this time and to be honest they were both interlinked. I hadn’t really spoke about either of these things openly before, let alone to a person I didn’t really know at all. Our social worker wanted to know what had caused our relationship breakdown and whether this would have an effect on my potential future child. I hadn’t really spoken much about my relationship with my dad before to anyone, Ricky obviously knew about the ups and downs but other than him I hadn’t really told anyone else. I barely knew our social worker and to go this deep into my life was difficult but also it was awkward as there was no choice, I had to talk about it or the alarm bells would be ringing. I don’t really share much of how I’m feeling to anyone, I guess you could call me a bit of a closed book but at this point it was made clear to me that I had to open up.

The one area that I found difficult to mention and to talk about was my mental health, despite the world being (from personal experience) opening up to mental health and being more accepting of it, I found this to be the opposite when it comes to social workers and parenting which is completely confusing.
At the time I was under a lot of stress, from work and from the pressures of adoption, as well as doing a university degree. We both felt at the time of this part social workers don’t really get that you have a full time job and other responsibilities there is a feeling of an expectation that you should be studying, researching and learning aspects of child development, attachment and learning more about adoption, yet that is just not possible. At the time I was on medication to help with this and was not really in a position to come off my medication however when she asked whether I was coming off them (no other question asked before this such as how do I feel being on them? Are they working for you?) I got the feeling and impression that this is what she was wanting to hear, so I said I was. Suddenly finding myself coming straight of them cold turkey. Probably not one of my best ideas, but at the time my mouth opened and it just came out, which left we with no option but to do this as the medical advisor to the adoption team would be requesting copies of medical records prior to the panel date (which was yet to be confirmed).

The comment regarding my and Ricky’s relationship that was made in the assessment day report was also brought up during this meeting, our social worker said that the assessing social workers felt that there was a disconnect between both of us and that they felt our relationship needs to be explored more (erm intrusive but ok). I said that we rarely display any affection in public or around strangers. I also said I felt it was inappropriate to be all cuddly and touchy during an assessment of our adoption application. When I asked why we didn’t show any PDA I said that there are still people who are anti-gay and why put ourselves in danger? Further to this we wouldn’t do it when out with our child because we wouldn’t want him exposed to any hateful comments. Our social worker did mention that she agreed with this and I took the opportunity to mention again that I felt that these comments made in the report were unfair, unjust and just rude. Following the meeting our social worker said she was happy with all the information that I had given and that she knows me and Ricky have a close relationship and understood our feelings on PDA. 

We had many more meetings following this and had to look at different aspects such as what we feel our own parenting styles would be and how we think how we were parented would play a part in our own individual parenting styles. I knew that I would probably be the more stricter parent just because we had already decided that I would be taking the longer work break so naturally I would be the one setting rules and enforcing them, whereas Ricky would be the more relaxed and fun parent. 
We had a meeting to discuss the house plans, by this point we were having a total nightmare with the house sale, sales kept falling through and our social workers now had concerns regarding this. They wondered whether we could now just cancel the sale, despite the money we had already paid on legal fees and the money. Both of us pointed out to our social worker that the reason for the sale was because, a) our previous social worker had said that she was not 100% happy with the apartment, and b) we would not be able to move for approximately a year following an adoption placement to naturally allow for us to bond and settle. We both felt that there was little understanding on their part, we were doing what we felt right but it was completely not our fault for the delays on the sale of the apartment. We had to reassure our social worker that we were still completely committed to the adoption.

During this and leading up to our panel date, where they make a decision whether we would be approved to adopt, our social worker was compiling a document called a PAR (prospective adopter report) which is why we had to fill in so much information and do constant learning. We were also advised to do some volunteering, we both did some volunteering with a local cubs group (as this fitted with the age group we were looking to adopt). Trying to fit all this into an already crazy schedule was a nightmare, we learnt that social workers seem to forget that you have a life, work and other commitments going on as well as trying to do further learning surrounding attachment and volunteering. It was like we both had 2 full time jobs. We got to see the PAR as we had to agree to what was documented and to make sure there wasn’t any information missing from it before it was finalised, signed and submitted to the panel. Which would be the following month…….crazy but completely excited.

The dreaded two day assessment

So, the first day had arrived and this old stately looking home for the assessment. The worst bit was the two days weren’t clumped together and the day off in between happened to be my birthday!! So there was no real celebrating until after the assessment. We arrived and were shown to the cafe and asked to wait here. Slowly some other people arrived, everyone appeared and acted in the same way….pure nervousness and awkwardness about how this assessment was going to go.

After what felt like the longest wait ever we were taken in to a huge room and sat down in a circle. There was myself and Ricky, a heterosexual couple, a lesbian couple and two single female prospective adopters. The social workers introduced themselves other than one of them. There were three social workers who would be carrying out the assessment and working through the tasks, and the final social worker was sat at the back at the room typing up everything, word for word, that was being said by each of us prospective adopters. They outlined how the two days was going to be run and advised us to just be ourselves and not to worry about anything. We then had to introduce ourselves to the group, as you were talking you could hear the keyboard being tapped by the social worker at the back of the room, this was really off-putting. It was quite apparent that I was not the only person who was feeling like this.
The first task came, and the social worker who was leading this task/assessment asked us to split up, so those who came in couples were told to work with someone else for this task. It was a visualisation type task, which I am no good at, I feel genuinely awkward and uncomfortable doing these type of exercises in groups even if I know the others in the group, let alone in front of a room full that consists of a majority of strangers!! We had to close our eyes and imagine being at a train station and waiting for a close friend or family member to arrive, but we realise that we have forgotten our mobile phone and had no other way to contact them. We were talked through this and asked to think about what we would do, how would we feel. Once the task was done we had to say one by one how we felt, what would we do etc. Naturally, I got asked first about how I felt. So, as was expected of us by the social workers and of our own social worker I was honest and said that I struggled with this task as I can’t visualise stories etc it is something that I have always struggled with. I got a look which I can only describe as utter disgust from the social workers. I then explained that I always have my mobile on me, so forgetting it is something that just wouldn’t happen with me, but still all I got was looks of disgust and disappointment from these social workers. Even the tapping of the keyboard appeared to be more violent!!

As the day progressed the awkwardness and feelings of wanting the floor to open up and swallow me was increasing. There was one exercise on this day which sums up this feeling completely and that was when we got split into three groups, again partners not being put into the same group. We all went into different rooms, luckily the social worker who was with my group was really nice. We had to talk about our journey and what has brought us to this point. I spoke first as I felt quite comfortable in this group and explained my journey and what has brought me to this point. One of the group had a similar story but the other prospective adopter talked about her failed IVF experiences. I truly felt for her, and could see that although she had overcome this emotionally, talking about it in front of a group of complete strangers did make her feel, naturally, uncomfortable. Once we had finished we went back into the main room and we all had to talk about how we felt explaining our journeys. I explained that for me I felt fine, I felt comfortable talking about it as the group I was in was friendly. There were a few laughs from the others in the room, which turned out to be a downfall. I still couldn’t get any tell-tale signs from the social worker that I was doing good in this assessment, I literally just seemed to get sighs and eye rolls, despite following their advice. Apparently this task was done to assess whether we had overcome our previous traumas, but to be honest this just felt unnecessary, I mean the social workers had already dug pretty deep into our lives and I’m sure that if we had not overcome previous traumas they would have picked up on this!

Luckily during the breaks we got to know the other prospective adopters so after we finished the first assessment day we went to a local pub to have a few drinks, get to know each other better and have a good old rant about some of the things the social workers had said. It became quite the bitch-fest. It was also great to get to know others in the same position as us, as these guys knew exactly what we were going through and it expanded our support network. We also found out about a great support group, New Family Social (NFS), who are a groups of LGBT adopters or prospective adopters, they do regular meet-ups. Each area of the UK has a group or groups and hold regular meet-ups, we luckily had one in Greenwich. It was great to find this out as prior to being told about the group we literally felt like the only gay couple applying to adopt as we knew nobody else in the same situation as us. It was that stereotypical only gay in the village feeling until we heard about this group!!!

When the second day arrived two days later, the social workers started off by giving us chat saying that they felt we were not taking it seriously and not giving our true feelings. It was clear that they wanted the bad negative feelings, which I felt would not be a true representation of how I was feeling or had felt. I didn’t know whether this was a genuine chat or whether this was the speech given to all other previous prospective adopters. To be honest this really irritated and I was having to hold myself back trying not to say anything to the social workers. I felt like there was no pleasing them. For me it was difficult to not to think about things before responding as it was obvious that we were being recorded, we could distinctly heard every key being tapped by the social worker who was at the back of the room on the laptop. We had all been honest with them when undertaking the exercises etc but I felt that they were wanting us to be negative all the time, which would mean that we were not being honest with them. From this point on I was being more negative in my feelings therefore not being true to myself, which is what they wanted from us, but there was clearly no pleasing these social workers. Another exercise that they asked us to do was to write down on a piece of paper our dream child, I asked us to think of our dream, ideal child and write it on a piece of paper. Once we had done this they told us to rip up this piece of paper, and then asked us individually how we felt. When they got to me I said that it was a horrible thing to do and that I felt upset as this was my dream child, however, in reality this did not affect me in anyway. I knew I wasn’t going to get my dream child, I was going through an adoption process so this child probably won’t have the hair colour that I had thought of, they probably won’t have the dream name that I had picked out, even if we had gone down the surrogacy route I wouldn’t have my dream child because we wouldn’t know what egg had been used. But is there such a thing of a dream child?! NO!!!. Just another pointless exercise, the second day was full of utter BS like this. Well there was some usefulness in the second day, so it wasn’t completely pointless, we got some useful information from the social workers on trauma and what to look out for in terms of behaviours and how to deal with the basics.
At the end of the day we filled in an evaluation form, which we were all brutally honest, I feel that we all felt the same. I know I was completely brutal in my feedback.
We were told that reports on how they felt we had been and performed during the assessment would be typed up and emailed to us via our social workers in the next week or so. 

We met up with our social worker shortly after getting the assessment reports back which we did individually via email which was about 2 weeks after the assessment days. Although we had been given the go ahead to continue with the adoption process (apparently had we not passed the assessment we would have had to undergone further training and advised to do further learning) I was pissed at some of the report. I was told that out of the group I had taken on the class clown role, like seriously, I was fuming that they put that in a formal report. In the report the social workers had written down that I made a few ‘jokes’ causing people to laugh during the assessment. The only two comments that I made was during the first exercise on the first day by saying I could visualise what they wanted us to and the second comment was during the exercise where they separated us all, when asked how we felt opening up to strangers I said I found easy as the group I was with were nice and easy to talk to. Also mentioned in the report they made a comment that they thought we did not seem close. We were both taken aback by this comment, I was also annoyed at this comment as we aren’t naturally cuddly or ‘loved up’ in public let alone with strangers, also how is this a reflection on our relationship considering these social workers don’t know us as a couple or furthermore how is this a reflection on our parenting? I would not be all touchy-feely in front of my child, to me that’s completely inappropriate, as is doing it in front of strangers!!
When we met with our social worker I brought this up, she could tell the minute that I said hello I was annoyed!! I mentioned how I felt and our I felt that parts of this report were not a true reflection on myself or on us as a couple. After the explanations/rant our social worker seemed happy with what we had to say. She did mention that normally prospective adopters have more time in stage 2 and know more of what is expected before they attend the assessment days. The reason we were put on the course early was because they didn’t want to delay the process and then have to push back a potential panel date for us.

We were then told that the next meetings would be done individually to discuss our relationships. I was still annoyed following the conversation, but what could be done? Nothing was going to change and it’s not like our social worker could change the report, but more importantly we were still in the process and progressing forward. As I’m typing this I am still fuming about, the thought of someone else going through the process and having to experience being made to feel like that really gets to me. Im hoping that by doing this and writing this blog might help change things, I do feel that the adoption process does need modernising and less stigma needs to be placed on certain things, as does the focus on previous traumas.

Anyway I will stop this post now before I go off on some rant and get sidetracked!!

The beginning of stage two

Firstly I just want to say sorry for it being some time since my last blog post. Who knew how much time and energy the school holidays take from you!! One of the issues of adoption is that until the adoption order is granted you can’t leave your child with anyone at all, which meant that due to the mr working I had our little dude the whole time. Don’t get me wrong it was amazing, and we got to bond a lot, its just extremely tiring and a 18hr day at least 4 days a week is draining!!!! I thought my 12.5hr work shifts were tough. But it was amazing to see my little guy grow, we went swimming and did some baking, sight seeing. It was a fab easter.

So on to explaining the beginning of our stage two journey. Following the news of being approved to continue we were so happy, but this is where the work really begins. Stage one is predominately formal paperwork to ensure that you are suitable to progress on to the second stage.
We met our social worker at the apartment and she explained to us the stage two process. we were given a folder which again explained the process and the dates of the almost monthly meetings! We were also told that we would be attending a two day training day early on in this stage. Other potential adopters who were also in this stage would be attending however, they would be further on in the process than us along with some other social workers. The reason for us attending so early on was because they didn’t want to delay our application as the next assessment day was not for a while. We were told that these assessment days would consist of different elements such as role play, which is a huge fear of mine, it brings on massive feelings of anxiety and I just completely withdraw. I also don’t do well in group activities because of not knowing the other people. This assessment day seemed like it was going to be a complete nightmare for me. We were given some advice which was to be ourselves and not to try and second guess what the social workers were wanting from us.
Our new social worker also went over the forms that we completed in stage one which was what child we were looking for etc and if anything had changed. We decided that we were now looking to adopt a little boy and decided that we would be happy with an age range of 2 to 5 years. We wanted a healthy child,, we were given the tick box form back and we had multiple choice options which were not open to, would consider or yes would accept. We had to list from these multiple choice options what we could consider based on physical health problems such as Cerebral Palsy, emotional difficulties, learning difficulties such as Downs syndrome and mental health disorders. All of these included parental health such as maternal mother has learning difficulties or has a mental health disorder. The problem with this form was it is so very basic and some of the health disorders listed had such a large spectrum that it was almost impossible to tick that we would accept because we didn’t want to open ourselves up to much incase we then had to reject a possible match later and then have to explain why we couldn’t adopt that particular child.
However, after speaking with our social worker at length we agreed to mark that we would consider/be open to most of the conditions other than mental health. This was due to personal feelings after I had done a lot of research into parental mental health and genetics.

Between this initial meeting and the assessment day we had a few email communications with our social worker but one face to face visit to ensure we were ready for the assessment day, I think she could sense that I was anxious about this. She went back over the advice that she gave us as well and told us that there would be two other couples attending two day assessment along with two single female potential adopters. There would also be four assessing social workers. This did nothing to calm my nerves!!!

The first stage…

We had a wait of a few days following the phone call saying that we had been approved to proceed on to the first stage. After what felt like a lifetime we got an email from the same social worker who had done our screening call, she told us that she would be our allocated social worker for the first phase. She introduced herself and told us that she wanted to meet us at her office in two weeks to go through the formal checks, ID and DBS checks etc. The DBS forms were posted to us and we had to bring the completed forms with us as well as contact details for both our managers so that our work and employment could be verified.

We met our social worker two weeks after the email, it was a very relaxed and chilled meeting. We had a brief chat about a learning/training group that they wanted us to go on which would be towards the end of the first stage.
Our social worker gave us a folder with information on how the process was going to go including the meeting with another social worker at the end of the process which would determine if we would then proceed on to the second stage. We were also given more paperwork that they wanted us to fill out, such as our childhood chronology, financial information (our income and expenditure, any savings and debts such as credit cards), our family tree and finally a learning diary that they wanted us to fill in through out the process (any reading or learning we did related to adoption).

Following the meeting we were asked to read up on attachment theories which we would discuss during our next meeting. This is where our social worker got a little annoyed! I found that they were more focussed on the old school theories of attachment, such as Bowlby. This was super frustrating as all these theories and based on the ‘traditional’ families such as a mother and father. I found more research that was based on positive parental interaction with a child it enhances a strong attachment. Our social worker was a bit taken aback and put off by this, it was obvious that they were not aware of this research. She asked how I came across by this research and how was this research relevant, I explained that it was more relevant to our situation i.e being two gay men about to bring up a child! I was really having to bite my tongue during this meeting, I was starting to feel that they didn’t want us to be proactive in our learning!.

This stage was very much focussed on paperwork and getting the formal things sorted. We had to sign consent for the councils medical advisor to obtain our medical notes from our GP. We also had a health and safety check done on our apartment, although this didn’t go too well. Our social worker felt that the child’s bedroom was too small despite it being a double bedroom, and that our balcony could be deemed dangerous, because we had Moroccan lanterns. She felt that the child could use the lanterns to climb over the side of the balcony..however she was not reassured that we would obviously not allow the child onto the balcony unsupervised. I was so frustrated with this because these were aspects that shouldn’t cause any problems or be an obstacle with our adoption process. However, it was clear that our social worker felt that our two double bedroom sized apartment was not big enough to raise a child. Following this we decided to sell our apartment following some positive valuations on it. We had always envisaged having a family home but now just seemed to be the best time to do it (this would later be a real pain!!). We listed our apartment the following week.

We attended the learning group in Lewisham that we spoke about during our first meeting with our social worker. Due to the dates that the group was being run on meant that our first stage slightly overran. The day learning group was more of an insight into adoption and learning about how the process is run and what we need to learn to show that we are able to care for adopted children who have had traumatic experiences in their previous lives. It was really great as there were also couples who had previously adopted and decided to go through it again, this was quite nice and reassuring to see that these couples were going through the process the second time. During the learning group breaks both myself and Ricky spoke with them to get advice and to hear their personal stories and experiences of the process.  It was reassuring to see and hear that despite all the stress we have been through and the stress that is to come, there is an end and that it is totally worth it.

A week or two following the learning group we had the meeting with our social worker and another social worker to discuss our learning and to answer questions related to us and our family as well as what we could offer our future child. The meeting only laster an hour or so, during which we were both asked questions some of which were quite repetitive as were our answers, such as what have we learnt and how can we implement this. We had to wait for about two weeks for our ‘case’ (as they kept putting it) to be put forward to the rest of the pre-adoption team who would decide whether we would be progressed onto the second stage. This was a crazy long wait, everyday I was checking my emails throughout the day to see if our social worker had emailed us. The waiting is the worst, there is a complete feeling of being out of control, something that I am not used to and hate feeling.

Finally I got an email from our social worker asking me to call her when I was free. Both myself and Ricky had a random, very rare day off together, so we called her and put her on loudspeaker. It was great news. We were progressing on to the next stage of the adoption process. YAY!!!! The call was very composed and we were told that there would be a short wait whilst we wait to have a new social worker allocated to us. Once we put the phone down there was loads of jumping and shouting going on. It was such a great feeling. After so much paperwork, unnecesary reading and learning we were moving forward and going to be parents!!!

For now it was just another wait…..something we soon learn to deal with as it would happen very frequently.

The initial call….

So after we posted the form of interest in adopting we had a bit of a wait before we heard anything back. The one day whilst I was at work I got a phone call from a social worker at Greenwich social services, she wanted to go through the form that we had sent off the other week and had a few questions for me. She told me that it would be a quick phone call and however this turned in to a 40 minute phone call (totally not the best of times for this chat as I was on my way to meet a family, but you know needs must and all!!). She asked a heap of questions relating to both mine and Ricky’s childhoods and upbringing, schooling (I hardly knew anything of Rickys childhood other than the basics so I kinda had to fob her off on some of this!), our finances such as our income and expenditure. Also what are our current jobs and is anything changing. She then started asking things about both of our child care experiences……I totally had this one in the bag!!

So after the 40minute intensive phone call she explained to me the call was a screening call and she has to now discuss our application with her manager before she can tell us whether we will be taken on as potential adopters with the borough. We should find out by the end of the week is all she could tell me. I was completely thrown off, partly because I was not expecting the phone call but also the questions were completely unexpected, I felt as if this should have been discussed either in person with both myself and Ricky there or over the phone with both us present. It was odd but then again something that I had no control over and couldn’t really mention my true feelings (something I would soon come to find is a regular feeling during a potential adopters journey).

A few days passed when and I got an email from the social worker who had phoned me earlier in the week, she asked me to call as soon as I was free so she could discuss the outcome of the meeting with me. I called as soon as I got the email and it was the best news ever……….we were being take on. We had now officially started our adoption journey. I called Ricky as soon as I got off the phone to tell him the news, we both felt so numb but we were both, obviously, so excited.

Our dream of having a family was in the making, it was weird as we knew that we could be ‘dropped’ at any point but there was also that feeling that somewhere out there is a child that could potentially be placed with us.
We could know announce our plans with other family members that we had not yet told but also to close friends and work colleagues.

We now had to wait until we were allocated a social worker to take us through the first of the two stages of adoption. We were told that we might have a short wait until one was allocated to us but we were advised to start researching the process and start some learning as this will help.

It was finally happening!!